Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I am faaaarrr too amazingly awesome for my own good. :P

I bought a ps3 this evening. For Jordan. Yeah. It's his birthday (in july) present/xmas present... for... this year... and perhaps a little bit of vday as well. Ha. :P He's paying me back half over the course of a month... :P

And yeah. He bought me a new ds game as a thank you... it rocks. I love it.

And he loves his new ps3, so it all worked out in the end.

But katy will still be 400 bucks in the hole... :P oh well. Damn, that's a lot of money to spend on someone I've only known for like 2 months. But love. Hmm... oh well. Doesn't matter. Heh...

And yeah. I'm sooooo addicted to my new ds game. I was reading Jaimie's blog, and read a comment someone left in it, and looked at his profile, then read his blog and he was talking about this game he has for his ds. And I was like... hey... it's like guitar hero, eh? Sounds neat. So I told jordan that was the one I wanted. And it was a very good choice. thanks guy. :P

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

ANGUS! AHHH! YAY! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

Honestly... I can't believe it.

OH! We totally went to a pawnshop today and I found Angus! Yeah. I totally watched it. Totally fell back in love with it. Omg. SOOOOOOOO CUTE! AHHHH! :P And I was talking to Kevin later on in the afternoon... and I told him about my adventure there... and he was like... "I think I got that movie for xmas one year... can't say i've ever watched it though, but I'll look for it next time I'm home." Ah! How weird is that? I thought my brother and I were the only ones who knew it existed. Although they used to show it on tbs from time to time... more than a few years ago. :P I FUCKING LOVE THAT MOVIE! It's totally up there with Casper in my favourites. It really is. It also has an amazing soundtrack... in my opinion anyway. Yay, 90's music! :P Mmm. And I LOVE the song at the beginning that the marching band plays with. Shit. Just. Cool. Haha. I am so lame! Ah! :P

And... something scary... that I couldn't stop giggling at. Angus kinda looks like Jordan. Well... face structure... sorta. Kinda. I dunno. I thought it was weird. And that might be why I love him so much. Heh. Or... just that he's... pretty freakin awesome. And. Yeah?

My first day of not being a virgin anymore was... the same as any other day, cuz I kinda forgot it happened. Hahaha. :P Or maybe I just wanted to forget... oh well! It was so fun. I'm really glad I waited for someone that I love though. :P That was corny. And lame. But true. It's almost like you wanna tell everyone, but at the same time you're like... no, it's none of their business. :P You know? Haha. Yeah... yeah. I need to go on the pill... exciting, eh? Oh, and my inability to swallow pills has resurfaced. Isn't that fun? Yeah. Totally. I think I just can't drink the whatever's washing it down out of my water bottle, cuz the liquid's usually too far away... and I get nervous.. haha... and... yeah. Chaos ensues. But yes.

Oh... and I might buy half of a ps3 for Jordan. For his bday and xmas. I sincerely hope we're together that long. Can't see why we wouldn't be. He's mad about me. :P I hope... haha. Of course he is. Who wouldn't be? I'm amazing. :P Apparently, I was amazing.. hahahahahaha. Ew. :P And then I ask myself how is that even possible... I didn't do a damn thing... but whatever. I'm going to shut up now, before all these anonymous folk know too much. :P... maybe I should move my blog? I think Jaimie has the right idea... like... ooo what if I moved it like... once a month? Wouldn't that be a pain? YEAH! IT WOULD! Whatever. I don't really care. Unless you are someone I know in real life. Then I'm a bit embarrassed. :P I'm a bit embarrassed anyway... but... ya know. Heh...

America! Fuck yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah!

Alrighty... well. Yesterday morning... I was off to pick up Jordan to take him places, cuz his car wouldn't start. Mother asked where i was going, I told her. Then she went off on this rant of how she's going to Regina on Friday... and blah blah over night, how I need to stay home and... get this.. not sleep around town. My mouth was on the floor. I was like you're kidding, right? And she was like nice girls don't stay over at boys' houses. I rolled my eyes at this statement... I had done nothing wrong. She just misses me having no life... and then I went downstairs to brush my hair. Came back upstairs after I was done... asked her if she was a virgin at the age of 20. She laughed. Which means she wasn't. Not that I want to think about that.

So anyway... I was all pissed off at her all day for basically calling me a whore.

Anyway... the plan for today was to go to Edmonton. Well. I slept over at Jordan's... we got up at like 530. Left at like sometime after 6. Drove... I filled up my car (a little too much, ha! :P ), and we were off. When we got out of the city it started like totally snowing, so bad I could barely see. So we eventually turned around. And we went back to bed.

And it was fun... :P ... for more than one reason. Oh hell, was it ever. Hahaha. Yeah... I can honestly say I can't say that to my mother again. Oh well. *gasp* I know... :P It was fun, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think. Um. Oh man, I wish so many anonymous people wouldn't read this. :P Meh. Life.

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Sunday, January 28, 2007

sex and mini-golf ... bah.

So... I stayed over at Jordan's last night. Left a note for my mom. :P

It was nice.

We almost did it. Very close to it.. like... he was... almost inside me but like... it just hurt. A lot. Trying to get in there... So I didn't wanna do it. Like I know my first time is going to hurt a hell of a lot. I dunno if I could stand it. :P But really though... yikes. :S Anyway... I think I'm lasting the longest out of any of my friends for... being in... a relationship without... sex... like... before... gawd, what am i saying... I have no clue. Whatever.

Went mini golfing today with Jessica. She might be breaking up with her boyfriend tonight. I fear what he will do. Kinda. I don't think he'd ever hurt her though. Physically. I hope not anyway.

Supposed to be hanging out with Mandy tonight. Hmm.

In conclusion: I won at mini golf. Of course. :P And my cough is killing me. Yeah, I'm still sick. And jordan's not. His immune system is so much better than mine. Also... he gets vitamin c, sunlight, and exercise.. as he likes to put it. Bastard.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

I'm pretty sure, if I was a little more lazy than I currently am, I very well could watch A&E all day. And I'm talking all day. Although... I'm sure I'd get sick of Horatio after like... 2 episodes of the 7 episodes of CSI: Miami they show. :P Yeah.

I watched City Confidential and American Justice... or... might have been... no it was American Justice. Gawd, I love that host guy. Haha.

Oh tv.

Jordan interrupted my tv watching to tell me he quit his job today... they gave him a choice. He either had to be available all the time... or leave. and I he said fine, i'm quitting... they just wanted him to work Thursday afternoons, but.. newsflash, he has class then. Ha. Oh the star phoenix. Idiots. Anyway, I kinda laughed at that, cuz there is no way ANYONE would choose their job over school. If they do... they're nuts. :P Or... in dire need of money. meh.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I can swallow pills. :P

Well... I've come a long way in the past 2 days. :P

I can now swallow pills.

Haha. I know. Except it's a pretty huge deal... because I always gagged on them when I'd try to take them... cuz I thought too much about it... but whatever. How I overcame this problem:

Last night. I was over at Jordan's. He felt my forehead and said I was burning up. He told me I had to take something or go home. And I was like fine, I'll go home. And he's like please take something... he handed me a pill. He pleaded with me again and looked like he was gonna cry. So I took it. In the other room.

And voila. I didn't wanna jinx myself by writing about my accomplishment too early. :P I took two more today. Yay me. Haha. Just... gotta slurp it up... kinda. I dunno. I'm a baby. :P But... not really anymore. So... yeah! :P

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

FUCKER.

Haha. So I sent my resume yesterday to beagle productions... the one I've been meaning to apply at forever... and I fucked up the link I sent. Damn, i suck. Shoot. :P

So now, I need to get together an online portfolio thing, so he can look at it, and he may want to sit down with me if I'm good enough.. hmm. Crap. Okay. Off I go.

Moral. ALWAYS check your links before you send em... christ. :P Dang it. POO. Grrrrr...

And I am sick. And it's my brother's fault. :P

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Down with the sickness

I'm getting sick. I can feel it. It burns.

GAHHHHHHH.

Okay. Whatever. Maybe it's all in my head... but I doubt it.

Wesley has a cold. He made me hang out with him today. :P

So yeah. I catch colds so easily from people. My immune system sucks. Blah!

Whatever. That's it, I guess.

I applied to two places today... looked for the other one... I think I found it, but it looks like a shithole. I need to check the address again. And I'll probably go in tomorrow. :P Yeah, I'm a chicken. Oh well. It really looks scary, that's all. And... it's really close to where my other place of employment was... is?... hm. haha. Oh well. Maybe I'll go nap. Get this gross feeling out of my throat. EWWWWWWWWWW. I don't want to be sick! Damn it, I hate wesley. Grrrrrr.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Stuff and JUNKizzle.

Today I found... Return of the Jedi on VHS. Batman on VHS. Jagged Little Pill on cd. (fuck yeah! :P been lookin for that...) and... um... that's it. They were all two bucks each. Mmmmm... salvation army. Yum yum.

Heh. So... heroes was on.. it was good... little less than I was expecting but... still kept my attention... well.. for the most part. I was pretty tired...

Heh. I just finished talking to Kevin on msn. We are such geeks... I love it. :P We converse about many things. I love talking to him. He said he'll be on msn tomorrow... so... he better be. Like fo' sheezy. :P

Oh. Damn. I left... my... CRAP!

I also found today... a dictionary from 1942... it's the most beautiful thing I've seen in a while... and Jordan was dying to have it. So I bought it. :P I may give it to him... or I will give it to my mother. Cuz there was this munition case from ww2 at the salvation army... and... shit did it ever look neato. And he wanted that too. Hmm. Stupid vday. Goodness... oh well. :P I don't really mind... heh. Bah. Anyway, I accidentally left it at his house. I need to get it. Tomorrow. Or something. Gah!

Don't get me wrong... though I do love talking to Kevin, I don't want to start anything... I just want to maintain our pretty awesome friendship. Even though he still sucks at emailing... :P Oh well. It's forgivable cuz when I talk to him, he usually makes me laugh. So yeah.

But wow... Jordan.. he's pretty amazing. I love him. I may have accidentally said (after I squared him for... the... second time since I've known him... accidentally of course!) that... I wanted kids someday. And... yeah I meant with him. ... eep. :P

In march, he wants me to help him look for an apt... one that I might want to move into... later... when... I'm ready to... if that happens. We shall see. Harumph. :P I still don't know why he likes me so much... oh well. I will not question it. Or... try not to. Heh.

rings and tv.

It was either Friday or Saturday... friday, i think. Anyway... Jordan gave me a ring. A man ring, but a ring none the less. Heh. Um... Yeah, I saw it on his coffee table (mandy and I were discussing whether it was strategically placed or not... it may have been.. heh) anyway, so I grabbed it and tried it on, and he's like do you want that? And I was like yeah. So he gave it to me. I'm not wearing it right now... it feels weird without it. But oh well.

I'm becoming very attached to this man. Very. Sickeningly so. :P

And... I need to go write cover letters.

I sent Kevin an email to tell him how excited I am about tonight cuz heroes is on. Finally. :P I'm a loser. Oh well. I had to tell someone! Someone who watches it too! Ah! I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!! :P It's such a bad show... but addictive. Like... pretty much all tv. Except of course... um... well House isn't bad. Quite good... though I've only seen it like twice. And... um... what else isn't bad... omg, the other day I saw an episode of malcolm in the middle that I had never seen. It was awesome! Oh, law and order isn't bad. Original and SVU. I don't like criminal intent... I just... don't. Meh. CSI isn't bad either. Love that shit. Umm... hmm. Price is right is awesome! And... uh... hm. I can't think of anything else right now.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Sup, yo?

Sunday, sunday, sunday!

Um... Oh right.

I got up, miraculously, before 1030 AY EM today. I was impressed. :P

Then I started watching this movie on TCM... the member of the wedding. I'm actually reading that now. It's a crappy movie. :P Well... okay, I didn't watch all of it, cuz Jordan came over and then we had to go places... anyway... it's... a weird book too. From the 40's. So... and there are so many typos... guy... man. Sheesh. Heh...

Anyway.

Later on in the day.. we went bowling. Jessica and Wesley met Jordan. Wesley was like... well katy... looks like you "striked" (yeah, he said striked... :P) out with Jordan. And I was like... what's that supposed to mean. And he's like... he's foxy. And I'm like... really? You think?

Honestly, I don't know if Jordan is or not. I just think he's kinda cute. And... I really like him. I love him actually. :P Duh. Anyway... so... I thought that was weird, and later shared that weirded out thought with Mandy... she agreed... it was weird. :P

But yeah... so... I suck, and I mean SUCK at bowling. 5 or 10 pin apparently. Christ... really. :P

Umm... oh I went out to my dad's this evening, cuz jordan was hanging out with his friend... my dad... oh my...

Sometimes I forget how neat he is. :P Cuz we haven't played music together in a while. He always has something to teach me and I love it. I love playing the accordion. I think it's just the coolest thing. Heh. I'm a dork. Oh well.

I saw my kitties while out at my dad's... yeah. Hmm. They don't know me anymore... not like they used to. Oh well... sigh. Meh. Ummm...

I need to... apply to places tomorrow. I guess... :P I have to. I really do. This lazy act is getting on pretty much everyone's nerves. Not really mine yet... but... pretty soon... :P

But yeah. My friends can see that I'm much happier now. I can't really tell... but... I'm also pretty oblivious to a lot of things. Heh... *nervous laughter*. Anyway... I'm going to bed. :)

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Katy wants to get over her fear of dead bodies. By burning them. :P

So... I look in the paper this morning. And there's a job... crematory trainee. Eh? Eh? I think it would be neat... but I'm creepy like that. But anyway... the place it's at? I totally made a calendar for them at my last job. Ridiculousness in my head ensued. :P I was like it's fate! Haha. Except not. but I am applying for this "crematory trainee" position. Because. Even though it's in a town like 7 minutes away. I don't care. I made their calendar. :P Or... the bottom part... where it says a business... yeah...

I should probably phone my other job and ask if I'm ever coming back. :P Haha. Even though I hated it there... cuz... they're kinda bastards. Meh.

Anyway... just thought I'd share. :P

Oooo... so... Jessica came up with a brilliant idea on Tuesday... cuz she wants to meet Jordan... I dunno why... whatever. Anyway... so... tomorrow we're all going bowling. Me, Jordan, Jessica, Wesley, Mandy and maybe Ian. We're not sure. :P Haha. But yeah... 10 pin! Woo... So he'll be meeting two of my friends he hasn't met yet. Jessica and Wes. Hmm. I'm a little nervous. Oh well.

Last night Jordan asked me if I wanted to go to Edmonton the weekend before vday... I asked him for the day, or to stay there... and he just looked blankly at me. And I was like I need you to answer so I can answer. He said overnight... I kinda looked away mumbling something. Dunno what.

It's creeping up isn't it? Yeah. It is. Hmm... I should probably discuss this with him. Ha. Oh well. I dunno what to get him for vday. I really don't. He says he's easy to shop for... anything electronic... that's not easy. Easy is anything apple. :P Or camera in shape. Hahaha. :P But yeah... electronic, eh? ... hmm. No clue. He said he doesn't want a teddy bear with giant ears. Too bad... guess I have to take him back to the store... jk. But yeah he seriously said that. Cuz I asked him if he wanted one and he's like no. And I'm like well goddamn. :P But whatever. Oh, I remember what I was gonna do. Get a printer, print out stuff I've done... for him... a bunch of q-things... like... yeah, nevermind. Inside... joke?... it wasn't even a joke, it was just me being random. Really random. Oh well. They're nice. I like them. Heh... Might post them in my other blog. Maybe. sometime. Probably not... well... we shall see.


As for the title... I don't think I'm actually afraid of dead bodies... I don't really know what I'm afraid of. Oh. Right. Caterpillars. Shudder. Seriously. It causes a serious phobia when you see a tree just covered in those blue fuzzy ones. Ugh. *shudder*... ew.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Haha...

I love this song... and with this puppet singing it... it cracks me up. :P Yeah, I'm weird. I watch videos of puppets singing. Sicko. :P

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Break stuff...

Haha. Apparently I'm a whiny bitch.

Apparently he was expressing concern... and then I went off on him. That's not how it went down friends.

He asked me what I did today. I told him. He called me agoraphobic. I said I didn't have a reason to leave the house. He said because I choose not to. ...what the fuck?... And I said that I don't have a problem with it. If you do maybe you should say so...

And I guess he took that in... the worst way. :P

Whatever... fuck. People are so ridiculous...

I had a traumatizing "conversation" with my mother today about sex. yeah. She finally brought it up. Told me condoms aren't birth control. Well fucking duh.

And I told her to stop, and then I fake started yelling and... haha. It was funny. But then I went downstairs and started crying for realz.

Wow... Yeah. I know. Why is sex such a big deal? It's like... I dunno. Now I know I'm not ready to give up a part of myself. It's definitely going to be a while now. Plus he's being sooo... agh! I knew me being in a relationship wasn't going to turn out well. I'm sure it'll be fine once I cool off and... you know. Get a job. :P I just reaaaaaaallly don't want one.

And I don't want just any job! And no one seems to get that... :P Oh well. I'm going to be unhappy anywhere most likely. But there is no fucking way I'm going back to bk a year later. that's just fucking sad. It'd be like I didn't do anything with my life. I graduated... I did things... right? RIGHT?! Shit... :P

ORRRRrrr... I could go back to school. Hmmm. *Goes to research some shiznit...* :P

I don't think he really gets that I'm you know... 20... and... lazy. Like really. Haha. Whatever...

Where should I go...

Ugh.

You know... I've been wondering why, after school, I didn't move to Vancouver or even Calgary. Gawd. It appears to be where everyone is hiring. For my job.

HOWEVER... they want people with 2 yrs of experience, or even one.. ha... one even said no less than 3.

Alright... how am I supposed to get that?... Hmm... OH RIGHT. BY APPLYING TO THE JOB YOU REALLY WANT, KATY, YOU FREAKIN TARD. Whatever. I'm calm. I just... need to spruce up my site, make it part of my portfolio and then I can send it to them. Right? Right. I have everything I need... pretty much. Oh, I have that trial of fetch. That will make things easy. Yay. Maybe... heh. :P


My mother tried to get me up at 9 this morning. I refused. She asked if she needed to take me to a therapist. I said maybe. :P She then came back to my room at 10. Said it was 10. Told me to get up, deal with my car (what's to deal with...? whatever...), and get a job or she'd have to kick me out. Ha. Like she'd do that. She did that once, and felt horrible about it. When I told her I dropped my math class, she told me that I couldn't live with her anymore, so I phoned mandy, told her my mom was kicking me out and we all met at school... my mom kept phoning my friends' houses. Hilarity ensued. Psychotic woman.

Anyway... if I didn't live in this shithole, I might have a job. Maybe... if they were willing to take a chance on a kid. GAWD. I fucking hate work. I really do.

And this place isn't really a shithole... I love it. But only because I've lived here my whole life. So... I'm biased. Meh.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Creepy... heh.


the Individualist

Thanks for taking the test !
you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

"I am unique"



Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

  • Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

  • Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
    myself.

  • Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

  • Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
    I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

  • Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!


What I Like About Being a Four

  • my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
    level

  • my ability to establish warm connections with people

  • admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

  • my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

  • being unique and being seen as unique by others

  • having aesthetic sensibilities

  • being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me




What's Hard About Being a Four

  • experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

  • feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

  • feeling guilty when I disappoint people

  • feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

  • expecting too much from myself and life

  • fearing being abandoned


  • obsessing over resentments

  • longing for what I don't have



Fours as Children Often

  • have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
    original game
    s

  • are very sensitive

  • feel that they don't fit in

  • believe they are missing something that other people have

  • attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

  • become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

  • feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
    divorce)



Fours as Parents

  • help their children become who they really are

  • support their children's creativity and originality

  • are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

  • are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

  • are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed



Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages


You liked the test? so please don't forget to RATE it...

but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-)


you wanna know MORE?

so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...



...even more you'll find in Google


or do you prefer to







You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose BY


Would you rather have chosen:

  • AY (EIGHT)
  • CY (SIX)
  • BX (NINE)
  • BZ (FIVE)















  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 32% on ABC
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 45% on XYZ




    Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
    Alrighty... he wasn't upset because I had doubts... he was upset because I lied to him about them... I told him I was fine when he asked what was wrong. Whatever... I always do that. I mean... how was I supposed to word that? Before I had even seen him again. Like... I couldn't. Whatever.

    Note to self: try not to lie anymore...? ... I dunno. I'm not even a good liar. So whatever. No more msn-lying. Pshaw. Like that even counts. I hate msn. :P Whatever...

    Tuesday, January 16, 2007

    The Secrets of Magic... REVEALED!

    :P Anyway... um. Today... well... tonight... Jordan admitted to me that he had a list of rules for dating, and when he met me he threw them out. :P I'm assuming metaphorically... I don't think he actually had them written down.

    One of them was no virgins.

    He adores me. And I adore him... I can't get enough of him, honestly. :P I guess that's what happens in the beginning...

    meh?

    Anyway... the goods are way more plentiful than the bad... so I'm gonna try to not fuck this up.

    I need a job. :P

    But not just any job. Cuz I'm picky like that. But really... two months now... jobless. no. Just one. Geez. That's not so bad. Is it? Nah...

    Anyway, he wouldn't tell me the other shit on the list... just that. Cuz apparently... virgins sometimes go a bit crazy... in his experience. I believe it. mandy went nuts... :P I hope I don't... but it's still not happening for a while. Cuz yeah... I just don't wanna do something I'll regret. So therefore... we wait. It's all good.
    I need a job. But I don't want one.

    Hmm.

    Monday, January 15, 2007

    I hope he doesn't think I'm toying with him... cuz I'm not. Well... not on purpose. Fuck. Relationships are hard...

    Longest one I've been in was... what was it... like two weeks on and off? Every second day we weren't bf/gf anymore... whatever. I can't believe it.

    Seriously though, I don't want to hurt him like that anymore. I'm going to just shut up from now on.

    Or maybe I'm the sickest person in the world, and enjoy hurting people. Do I get some sick pleasure out of that? I should hope not. If that's true, I'd like to just die. Because that is just fucking wrong. And AWFUL. And now I'm going to bed.

    If you're confused, read the previous post. :P
    So... today was weird. For the first part of it I couldn't stop thinking about what I posted last night... I dunno.

    Cuz I talked to Mandy, and... I said something about why Jordan and I didn't go to Edmonton this weekend, and it sounded sort of bitter-ish... towards him... and she was like so... you seem mad at him, are you guys still okay? And I was like yeah, we're good. And she asked how long we've been going out. And I was like... over a month... a month a week and a couple days... :P

    And then I thought about that. That's quite some time. I was beginning to ask myself what I was doing... why... what do i feel... you know... usual freak-out shit.

    And then I told Jordan he should come over. So he came over at like 7. Anyway... when I saw him there were no more doubts. I looked at his face and I was like.. yeah... I do love him.

    Anyway, point: after he left... and we're talking on msn... I admitted that to him... then I read his blog. It hurt him. A lot.

    Christ, I don't know what to admit, and what not to admit. Fuck. Why don't I know how to talk to people?... I don't know what hurts him. I'm afraid one day I'll just say the worst thing possible, and he'll snap and dump me. Bah...

    That's a scary thought. Yeah. It is.

    Here, this is what I said: ¤•~Kªty~•¤ I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy! says: (1:06:37 AM)
    i must admit today, i was sort of almost not quite doubting us... and then when you came over and i saw you i was like.. yeah... i do love him

    He posted only up to after the doubting us part in his blog. Not fair. I had more to say after that. He said he had tears in his eyes. And he doesn't want to talk about it. But I think when I see him tomorrow, I should... yeah... clear it up? Or should I just leave it alone? I don't know. Gawd. I'm awful... just awful. Blah.

    Whatever. I should just stop worrying about it.

    I remember wesley once called me emotionally abusive. that fucking hurt. A lot. That was like... 2 years ago. Maybe... no two. Yeah. Two.

    Am I? I just asked Jordan and he said he doesn't think so...

    Hmm. The fact that Jordan takes medication does scare me the tiniest bit. And when he takes valium to help him sleep... freaks me out a little bit more. I mean... I think he took it cuz I said what I said. I don't think he takes it often.

    He does take some other pill everyday for... something I'm not going to disclose here. :P A lot of shit has happened to this guy.

    Yeah. I just hope that... I dunno. I like spending time with him, but he's fallen really hard for me I think. Like... really. And... I dunno. I just don't know. :P

    And, by the way, I'm still jobless. I did not apply at the goddamn grocery store. :P And I'm not going to... well... I shouldn't say that. Meh.

    Sunday, January 14, 2007

    Jordan and I went to the SPCA today. I want all those kitties.

    Why do I keep finding men who love cats?... Kevin loved cats... hmm. Oh well. Guess they're just nerdy...

    Anyway.

    Jordan said he hopes his feelings for me never change.

    That scares me.. how people's feelings can just change like that. I don't want it to happen either.

    He also said that if we're still together in February '08, something's going to happen. Obviously he's going to propose. Huh. I was like... I don't know what I would... say to that... or do. And he's like I know. You'd giggle for four hours. :P

    True. And then give him an answer, probably yes...

    It's bad that when I was laying beside Jordan this weekend that I wondered if I had made the right decision... not waiting for Kevin. Moving on. I mean... I gave the man over a year... but I still feel bad. Although... I don't know. I don't want to push anything.

    Jordan said I wouldn't be getting my birthday shirts from him. Dang. :P Even though he is super nice. Heh... shucks. But I mean, I understand. I'm an ass. :P

    Man, I'm really tired. But yeah. So... that's kind of killing me, though I'm sure I made the right choice, but I wonder what it would have been like had I been more whorish towards Kevin. :P Haha. Oh well. Too late. He hates me. Well.. he probably doesn't hate me... might hate himself. But I mean... I had to have been blind if I didn't know he liked me at least a little. I knew he liked me a little, he wouldn't have been so nice if he didn't. Like... jesus katy. And the last time you saw him, it took a while for him to get out of the car. You're a bitch missy. A big ol' bitch, the fact that you're sort of holding a candle for the man you have almost no interest in. Well... not entirely true, I think he's fascinating. And I do really care about him. But he clearly liked you a lot. Gah. Bitch. But I am in love with Jordan, for reasons of which... I'm still not sure of. :P haha. He just makes me happy... and I don't think my mother hates him. So that's good.

    Sometimes I wonder if he's too old for me... and then I think... who the hell cares? Not me... really.. heh. Whatever. Good night.

    I might apply at the grocery store by my house tomorrow. Maybe. I highly doubt it though. :) I'm lazy.

    Katy, where have you been?

    Well... the answer is simple. I was staying over at my brother's while he is away. But tonight I'm back home.

    Yeah, Jordan stayed over there with me... but we didn't do it or anything. That's still a ways off. Trust me.

    But yeah. So we've been hanging out for the past... well... since Thursday afternoon. I decided I needed to be alone tonight... not for any real reason in particular, I just... wanted to make sure I wouldn't get sick of him.

    We went out for indian tonight. It wasn't bad. it was almost good. :P Okay, it was good. But before we went, I gave him such a hard time about making me go out for supper... and... stuff. i dunno. :P But I'd love to do it again. Bah. :P

    I didn't pay my cell phone bill at the beginning of the month, and they phoned me yesterday... :P and I said I'd pay it today, but I didn't. And now I'm trying to pay it online, but... it's down. So whatever.

    Jordan wants a kitty. We're going to the spca tomorrow. Awwwwww.

    Yeah. We're uh... I dunno. I liked sleeping in the same bed as him. It was nice. Really nice. Like... "you're loved" kinda nice... yeah. Never had that. Heh. Meh... anyway, so that's why I haven't blogged, cuz I haven't been alone. :)

    I hope he doesn't change his mind about me anytime soon. :P




    OH HOLY CRAP, I FORGOT TO MENTION!

    Anyway... so Collin was still on my msn list last night... and I had unblocked him like the day before yesterday... anyway. I signed onto msn last night... and then he starts talking to me after like 10 minutes... chats me up a little... meanwhile Jordan's sitting right beside me... and he's like who's that? And I'm like no one, I'm gonna block him in a minute... :P anyway, we talk for a bit more... and then he asks if I want to go for coffee sometime...

    ...

    Yeah. I know. Well... I had failed to mention I have a boyfriend... and that I think he's a total fucking creep (collin, not jordan, duh) So I was like nope, I have a boyfriend. I'll talk to you later though. Cya.
    Block and delete. And then I proceded to delete everyone else I had met off something or another (not all in real life... none in real life actually)... and yeah. And jordan was like did he ask you out? And I was like yeah. and he's like... sheesh. And I was like yeah... I would never though... obviously... but I mean... I told him that he was the one I went out with and thought he was bipolar... cuz he so totally is. No getting around that. Anyway, obviously he had been dumped again, stupid idiot. :P

    But yeah. So. Done. Finito. :P No more Psycho C. Ever again. I swear. I hope. I don't want another dream about him... that's actually why I had unblocked him. I think I wanted to let him know my life was great. :P Hahaha. Yeah... great, indeed... for the most part I guess.

    My mom got her new tv today. it's beautiful. 32 inch lcd. Drool. Bitch. :P I'm stealing it when I move out... except... I'll just take the one in the living room, probably. Yeah... yeah. Alrighty, now I'm done. For realz.

    Wednesday, January 10, 2007

    Oh. I forgot to mention that I had a dream... or should I say nightmare? last night... collin was in it. We were driving in his car, I'm sure against my will... haha. I don't remember why though. I think we were just both going some place. I dunno.

    And yeah. Today I went through a bunch of old emails, cuz there's really nothing else to do, some of them rather amusing... and then I got to ones from collin, and I swear I threw up a little. :P

    Just thought I'd note that down... I feel gross now... *shudder*.

    I really think he is bi-polar though. Not that I care. I don't. I guess I just feel bad for not bringing it up with him. Ha.

    But who cares. I have a very... hopefully... sane man now. *crosses fingers*. :P

    Well... he likes me so... there's really no telling of his sanity.

    I'm still scared to talk to amy... even though she phoned me... I just... I dunno. I don't know what to say. :S

    Whatever. It's crazy snowing outside... gah. I know I already mentioned that today... but really! Blah.
    Wow.

    It's been blizzarding since last night. It's not supposed to stop til tomorrow.

    My city is shutting down. It's hilarious, cuz I don't have to be anywhere... and now no one else does either! yay. Feel a little less lazy... :P

    But it's still scary cuz there is an assload of snow out there... like... fuck.

    Tuesday, January 09, 2007

    Ooooo, juicy.

    :P

    DAVID COPPERFIELD WAS FUCKING AMAZING! Ahhhh, if he ever comes again, I'm so there. :P

    Anyway, last night Jordan called me mean (and meant it) for not telling Kevin about him yet... and so I was like fine, gimmie your computer. So I wrote Kevin an email, and today he wrote back. Turns out he does/did like me... and how.. yeah. But we're gonna stay friends. Which is totally awesome. cuz he's a really great guy...

    Anyway, so yeah... that's... about it. :)

    I FUCKING LOVE DAVID COPPERFIELD. I WANNA BE A MAGICIAN WHEN I GROW UP! No foolin'.

    Monday, January 08, 2007

    more school?

    I'm thinking about going back to school.

    Think I might want to be a plumber... well... only because when I do become one, EVERYONE will want me. Instead of no one wanting me now... :P It's lame. but really... I mean... yeah, it would be gross at times, but... I dunno. I have to go look for my booklet on siast. Bah. cuz I tried looking at it online, and all it said was the apprenticeship is five years. But like... are there prerequisites? Most likely. What? I dunno.

    But yeah... it's what I should have done in the first place. Not that I regret taking what I did. Not at all. I loved it... for the most part. but like... need a job that I don't feel overqualified to be at, ya know? Sheesh.

    Anyway... I feel especially lazy today. I looked in the paper... there's nothing in there that I want. Keyword being want. I should just email beagle my resume, and then if they don't want me... think of my alternatives. There are a lot now that I'm not going anywhere. I could go to school again. I kind of want to. I miss it... sort of.

    I should have taken welding in high school, damn it.

    I don't know though. It's just a thought. It's snowing... a lot. Kinda. Meh.

    Sunday, January 07, 2007

    So... Jordan has a blog. I read it. He knows I read it.

    An excerpt: "Sometimes I feel strange because I am picturing a future with this girl, we have only known each other for a month and I am seeing my life with her. I want a future with Katy and it scares me a lot."

    Good. Sometimes I catch myself thinking crap like that too. :P Not that it's crap, I mean it's like holy shit YES! kinda stuff... haha.

    You want more, I know you do. Read: "In the following months I need to move out of this apartment and find something that will allow me to be comfortable. I know I should be looking around a lot more for a place but I think a part of me is waiting to see if she would like to move in with me. I haven't felt like this in a very long time, I feel helpless."

    Wow. And awww. That's all I can say. Why does he love me so? And why do we seem to connect so... deeply? Do I do that to a lot of people, I wonder? I mean... collin thought I was his fuckin' soulmate... that was creepy. I hated him though. Deep down, I always knew I did. Hate him, that is. But like... really. Dave did start liking me too. Until I went crazy, cuz I really liked him. Kevin, though. I have no idea what or how he thinks/feels about me. I guess that's why I decided to move on... sort of. I still like him, I want to remain/be his friend. I could have been upfront. But I was too shy. I'm really glad I met Jordan though. And yeah, I think living with him would be so interesting, cuz I am the MESSIEST bastard you ever met. :P Hahaha. And he would loathe me. And I, because I am sick, would find it insanely amusing. :P Not that I'm actually considering that.

    Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this man... and then I think... hells yes I do. I'm Katy. I'm awesome. :P

    I'm honestly NOT that self-absorbed. I should hope...

    My brother's going to Ontario on Tuesday... guess who's gonna be hangin out at his apartment, eatin his food drinkin' his booze? ME! That's right! Look at the conditions of me staying there: 1)You can drink my booze but you don't drive. It stays here.
    2) I expect 2 loaves of bread and a couple frozen juices in the freezer when i come back (and maybe a box of cookies)
    3) Check my mail at least once
    That's all I can think of at the moment

    Gahahaha. Yes. Totally do-able. :D I can't wait... :P

    Now, this stupid little thought remains in the back of my head... "Gawd, I hope he's not just messing with my head." I know he's not... but still. Who's never really had anyone love them? Yeah... this girl. It's still new and weird. And freaks the hell out of me, but I love it. :P Meh. Whatever...

    YAY, I can't wait til Tuesday! :P Copperfield! Ahhh!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Saturday, January 06, 2007

    Hahaha.

    I's talking to Jordan and he was like I think I know what I'm going to get your for valentine's day... the perfect gift for a geek. :P And I was like what? And he's like... your own domain name. And I was like lmfao!

    And he's serious. And I can't wait. :P Mmmm, I'll have to come up with a delicious design and... hey, I can make it... like... a portfolio site. Oh sweet jesus. Duh.

    Now... what to call it... he was thinking jackassery.ca... but like... no. kbro.ca? Hmm. I need ideas, people. I know there are more of you who read this than just Jaimie. Hmmm... perhaps join up with my brother and name it swoot.ca? And have like... our own little... things... hmmmmmm. Oh gawd. He's right. This v-day WON'T suck... maybe. We'll see. I still hate and think it's ridiculous. And I will forever.

    Anyway, I thought that was hilarious. Cuz that would be like.. the perfect gift. For a geek. Which I am. Yeah... I lead a sad life. Oh well. I need a project... or a job. :P

    Friday, January 05, 2007

    So... we're fine. He just needed a hug. :P

    Oh but when we were talking earlier on msn, he asked me if we were ever going to go to a real restaurant... and for some reason that cut me deep, so I was all I don't know, what the fuck do you think. And he posted that in his blog with "Ouch." under it... ha. Posting msn conversations... always fun. but yeah.

    I'm totally gonna go to bed now. Cuz yeah.
    Oh my gawd, my last post was my 300th. Wow... heh. I dare someone to check. :P Except not really, cuz that'd just be... weird.

    I might check later. :P

    So... the freak-out on my part looms ever closer, you can totally tell. Cuz every now and then on msn I just get really pissed at him. It's annoying. And it's gonna be an awful freak-out.

    I think we're both in really bad moods tonight... at least I'm in and out of one.. I dunno bout him. Maybe he's horny or something. :P

    I had a very bizarre dream during my nap. And a scary one.

    I don't think he's horny. Damn it. :P I'm kidding. Well... not really. Whatever. I'm freakin' out a little. I'm a tad afraid he's going to break up with me... probably won't. But... I dunno what's wrong, he won't tell me. Meh. ...

    Gawd. Life. :P

    Ice Racing and magic...

    Okay so last night, Jordan and I got a hold of some free tickets to Ice Racing. It was motorcycles racing around on ice, and it was fucking genius. I loved it. :P Anyway... yeah... as we were sitting watching it, the announcer girl (who I wanted to kill cuz she said 'more fast' and could not for the life of her pronounce saskatchewan :P) said something about clearing the ice, so it's safer for the riders... and Jordan goes "Ha, yeah. Cuz safety is paramount!"... and I burst out laughing, I was like omg, I can't believe you used such a... "big" word here. I found it hilarious.

    Cuz it was.

    Safety is paramount... oh goodness.

    I had an hour and a half long nap this evening. It was nice. Damn, was it ever. I just didn't wanna deal with anything, and needed to nap while listening to Harry Belafonte. :P Gawd, I love that cd. Haha. Yeah.

    Tuesday is David Copperfield. I am so effing stoked, I can't wait! Gah! MAGIC!

    Thursday, January 04, 2007

    My day so far...

    9 o'clock.

    Mother yells.

    Get up.

    Go look at paper. Mother has already circled jobs for me, how convenient I think... holy crap! Graphic Designer!

    Go to old mac. Type cover letter. Print out. Go to Mohawk... not open. Not open at 10! But I'm out of gas! What the hell... whatever. So I drive to the esso on preston :P and then I go to drop off my resume at the place. I get there. It didn't say which place it was. And I get there and I'm like... airsource? Really? Hm. I hope this isn't some kind of joke. Cuz... I seriously need a job. So I gave it to him, he said he'd give it to whomever. So... yeah.

    Came home... actually before I came home, I went looking for Beagle Productions... :P... couldn't find it. I don't know if it even exists, really. :P It should. I hope it does. I need to send them my resume, cuz I really want to work there. So yeah. I need to... get on that.

    Anyway, when I got home, I phoned the starphoenix, she got my resume, but there aren't any positions right now... but she'll keep me in mind?... what does that mean? Exactly what it says? Guh. She sounded angry... and not like someone who would be very pleasant. Guh. Whatever.

    So yeah... I've just been watching Little Britain and playing my ds. :P I've almost done enough today. Almost. I should get to work on my... sending... it. Or something. Bah. And... that's about it.

    I should do a lot of things... but I don't. I'm thinking perhaps I'll go buy some new pants? They really don't fit anymore... like at all. Falling down all the time. It's quite embarrassing. But meh.

    Jordan starts school today in two minutes. He's worried about it. I would be too honestly. But I mean, if he got in, he's gotta be smart.

    He made it a point to tell me last night that he would be getting whomever he marries to sign a prenup. :P And I'm like... that's nice... Heh. I'd sign it, not that I'm marrying him. I will and can make my own money. When I'm not feeling quite so lazy. Bah.

    Okay I emailed Amy and told her I'm not sure I want to go to new zealand. She's gonna hate me. I know it. Gah. And her mom's gonna be all, I knew she'd back out... :P Oh well. That's fine. It's just... not a good time in my life anymore. Our lives are in different places. And... yeah. Ya know? You know... I know you know. Okay, whatever. Go do something productive... like... clean my room. Yeah. Or... email my resume. Nah... :P Clean mah room. Jesus, just suck it up katy. Urgh. I'll go clean and THINk about HOW and WHAT to email them... hmm. Okay.

    Wednesday, January 03, 2007

    I know, my problems are meager... but whatever.

    Now I know how some people feel trapped in life and the only way they can get out is killing themselves.

    I feel trapped. Ish. I have NO IDEA what to do about New Zealand. I don't know if I want to even go anymore. And I have NO IDEA how to tell amy...

    I hate looking for a job. Which is why I'm procrastinating with it so much. Like... a lot. It's not good. At all.

    I just want out. I just want to lay down and be by myself for the next 30 years. Until I die. Yeah, that's right, I don't rea... wait, then I'll be 50. Ew. I didn't wanna live past 30. But I don't know anymore. Now that someone loves me. It's weird.

    And I don't know if I like it.

    I'm getting scared again. I remember when I went all crazy on coffee guy dave cuz I thought I was getting too attached. I hadn't even kissed him... and you know what I realized? Jordan looks a LOT like him. It's... kinda scary. Sometimes.

    I really do hate myself sometimes. I'm so fat right now... I hate pms. And I hate that when my period starts tomorrow (maybe) it'll hurt like hell cuz I weigh too much. Ugh. And there's no children's tylenol left. :( I am so pathetic, and I hate that too. I hate a lot of things.

    Wesley says I need a job so I have something to hate. But I already hate lots of things... but he's right. I need to get that hatred focused. :P Ugh. Yeah. Bad moods suck.

    Mothers and Boyfriends... brothers and games... :P

    And... so it begins. Pretty much a month in... and... he... "wants" me. He said that... and I'm like... *silence*.

    I... yeah.

    I'm scared. I'm so lame. Oh man. Scared that he'll leave me. Scared it'll change me somehow. Scared someone (mother) will... I dunno. I don't know why I have such mother issues. I'm not scared of her. But I am worried about what she thinks of me. Why? I don't know. Cuz she's my mom. And I'm sure I've already disappointed her with my not going to "real college". Whatever.

    I did graduate with honours though... I mean... that should count for something... my family in bc kept congratulating me on it... :P My dad's proud. Why doesn't she show it? She never shows anything.

    I don't know if I want to go to NZ now... I think I'd much rather have a macbook. Seriously. I have the money... oh sweet god, I have the money... enough for a macbook, but not for a trip. Hmm.

    You know what scares me though? I know I love Jordan, I know I want to be with him... for like... ever. :P But... there's this little bitch thought in the back of my head that's like... do you actually like him? Or you just like what he's going to become...

    Isn't that awful? That's awful. And I know it's not true... I do actually like him. He makes me happy. And I need to tell him that more often. Because he's so sweet to me... and made me a new mixed tape tonight. Awww. I really like this one (cuz he knows me better now, and my tastes... so I have listened all the way up to number 10 so far, pretty much the whole way through each song... if that made sense...). Anyway.

    I think my brother's having girl issues. :P His msn name is "...I think I've fallen in the "friends" zone :( - damnit! Why do girls not say what the want! Argh! lol"... yeah. I was like... what makes you think you've fallen into the friends zone? or is it too weird to talk to your little sister about? :P And he was like it's just a hunch and don't worry about it. So I was like okay... :P Hahah. Poor guy... aw.

    So this ds game I got for xmas, big brain academy... very addictive. Very. Yeah.

    So... in conclusion: I'm feeling the pressure, sort of. Need to talk about it with him. Mother should tell me she loves me more. :P Brother... dunno what to do about him. NZ... don't know what to do about that. DS... play more. And finally, tomorrow I WILL (hopefully) email my resume and portfolio to the company I really really really wanna work at. :) I better. If I don't i'll be pretty disappointed with myself... oh and I have to phone the starphoenix... and talk to gail and make sure she got my resume. And ask her if there are any positions available. I went through what I have to say with Jordan. Actually he just told me what to say. :P I don't know how he comes up with that crap... haha. It's so simple too. I'm just really... not good at... that... stuff. Yeah.

    Monday, January 01, 2007

    Happy New Year!

    I had a fairly uneventful evening, although it was very nice. We just sat around. I liked it.

    Yeah.

    Well, I hope everyone's 2007 will be very very good. :) I wish all the best for all of you. Wheee. Hehe. I'm not drunk. Nor did I play pictionary. Dang... haha. Oh well. Just hung out with jordan. It was good. Woo. Okay, bye.
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