I hate it...

-When he spazzes out on me and doesn't apologize hours later when he finally works up the courage to face me.

-When he calls me a bad driver. Which goes with my first one there. What the fuck... I'm a good driver... it's you who can't park right. Okay? I admit, I should have paid a little more attention, but I was trying so hard not to hit your giant fucking monster that I didn't notice. Whatever. So I hit the garage. Who cares? It was just my mirror. And it's not even really a scratch. It's barely a scratch. At least from what I saw. I'll get a better look tomorrow, I guess.

It's not like the car was in perfect shape when I got it. There's scratches and dents all over it. Why is he such a fucking baby? It's not like he even has any money invested in it. It's all my mom's money.

Anyway...

And I was being so nice today, too. I bought him supper, bought him chips (which I later popped the bag when I stepped on it.......... by accident......... and then left a buck for him cuz I felt bad for popping the bag... which I totally did on purpose cuz I was pissed. I keep doing that... irrational things and then a milisecond later I regret it. I'm worried it'll turn more violent... ahem. Anyway...)

I think I might ask Mandy for the name of that therapist she found. Who deals with depression... loss...

I saw my stepmom on Thursday last week. She was visiting my stepsister in Manitoba and decided to drive here with everyone. So it was nice... but she gave me a disc of pictures of Shawna. They made my cry... like... hysterically. It's still hard to believe... and deal with. I get that she's not around, but it makes me really sad. You know? Like... I wish she could see me now... I'd be a different person, I'm pretty sure. Probably more confident... I don't know. And now I'm crying just thinking about her. It's just... I don't wanna pay to just talk about my feelings. Though I probably need it. I'm so broke right now. I don't know why. Bills, I guess.

Jordan's broke cuz he's spending all his money on the basement... for the two ungratefuls. You know... they better not have gotten a free ride in January. I mean... they were here the entire month. So... I dunno. Everything is just upsetting me right now and it's all because I didn't get an apology. It's not like I hurt his precious baby. Why is so fucking stupid sometimes? And why can't I argue without calling people names? I grew up with a big brother, I guess that's why. Every time we fight I call him names. Like... "fucking asshole" was the one I kept using this evening. And I wonder why he spazzes out on me and takes advantage of my idiocy. Whatever. I've got work to do that I was pretty sure I had, but didn't check til 10 minutes ago. In fact, I've got four logos I have to redraw. Terrific. I don't want to do them. Sigh.



On the plus side... Montreal next Thursday. If Jordan sticks around. :P Which he will, he always does. Well... so far.

And if he used my credit card to purchase that drywall... I'm going to be pissed. Even more so, because we still have to book our hotel... and how are we gonna pay for that with no credit? Hmm? You don't know? Well, neither do I. Possibly... real money that we actually have... but... that's not likely.

As my mother keeps insisting... I'm living beyond my means. Which is true. And it really has to stop, but it's hard. You know? I really don't need to be in more debt than I already am... you know... the whole house thing...

Gotta work on those drawings now.

Still having trouble with Mandy's invites... just can't make them look better... sigh.




UPDATE: Yep, he definitely used my credit card to buy that. What a fucking joke. I never should have gotten a second one. I don't know how the hell he talks me into this shit. Of course, he's helping pay it off, but so far this year... (I know it hasn't even been a month...) I'm the only one who's put anything on it. What a goddamn joke. I probably won't even come home tomorrow. You know... I don't think I will. ... I probably will. Can't risk leaving him alone with the house. He might sell it.


RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. He was only supposed to use it for work stuff because he gets reimbursed for that. He's just so fucking stupid sometimes!!!! But if I tell him he's stupid, he won't pay it back. Probably. Gawd... I'm... sometimes I think I just made a huge mistake committing to someone. I knew I should have played the field... nuts.

I'm sort of kidding... maybe.

Fucking roommates.

Wow.

I really fucking hate them. Like... it's unreal. Pretty much. I think of them and am filled with rage. Roommates. That I didn't even want, nor did I agree to.

By the way, Jordan, I am trying really hard to like you, but when you talk to them it makes me want to fucking kill you.

She's fucking lucky she got that job. And stupid ass B is having his grandparents pay his rent. I don't want their money, I want his. Not cool. Either way, it's money, but I'd rather they move out and his grandparents pay a stranger.

FUCK.

I'm just so fucking pissed off and it sucks because I can't say anything or Jordan will freak out at me again and make me feel really, really stupid. So I'm just going to come into my office from time to time and vent in here.

Also, move your fucking hockey sticks you stupid motherfucker before I throw them in the garbage! Swear to God. You've been here a week and they've been sitting in the same place. In MY living room. MOVE THEM. Of course, I asked Jordan when they were going to be moved yesterday and he told me not to start with him. And then later, we went out for supper - just the two of us - and he was like, I know, geez, I should just put them in the garage and not tell him. And I was like... are you fucking kidding me? You told me not to start... of course, I didn't say anything when he said that. I'm getting really sick of this house. I might actually go stay with mom for a while.


It's like... if they wonder why I ignore them all the time, or say as little as possible... I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! GET YOUR OWN FUCKING PLACE.

I'm just really pissed and frustrated because like... I love Jordan and for some reason he has a man crush on this guy... I can't stand him by the way. Like... at all, if it isn't obvious by my ranting. Fuck. Seriously. I just want out of here. He's gone to class... she drove him. I should be sitting with Jordan, but he's going to ask me why Mike's grandparents paying for his living arrangements pisses me off. So I don't want to go down there.

I just want to go to sleep. I might do that. Yeah. I might. Or, you know, go try and kill myself, either one. :P Except... you know, not.



And she was complaining about how the dishes aren't getting cleaned in the dishwasher. Jordan was like, that's because you guys overfill it. And she's like, no we don't. And he's like, yeah, you do.

Plus they put the utensils in standing up... like spoon end up. And KNIFE end up. It's fucking ridiculous. That's my theory on why the spoons are so disgusting after they're "washed". Cause they don't do it right. My way. Idiots. I just want to leave. I really do. But of course, I won't. I'll just continue ignoring them until they go away. Forever.

Dear Prudence... won't you come out to play? Dear Prudence... greet the brand new daaaaaayyyyyyyy. The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you, dear Prudence... won't you come out to play?

I really like that song. I'm going crazy, I'm pretty sure. Work is getting to me and so is home. Home has gotten to me since they moved here last week, though. No, before that. Because they were coming. Yeah. Like... if they weren't living with me, I'd like them okay because I wouldn't have to deal with them or their habits. LIVING WITH PEOPLE SUCKS. Especially when you hate them.