Friday, May 13, 2011

Trust...

So... ok. I can't remember when this was, a few months ago, I believe. But it was awful...

I had suspicions for some reason that Jordan was cheating on me. I'm paranoid and I watch way too much Maury. But like, I was at school all day... he stays at home and works... so I didn't know... you know... like I said, I'm paranoid.

So there was one evening where I looked through his phone. He had one of those android phones and had that weird unlock thing... I knew his pattern. So I looked at it. I looked at his texts... there was none in there (he's paranoid, too... but not cuz of me... well back then, not cuz of me :P) and then I looked in his contacts and he had a girl's name in there that I didn't know with an Ottawa area code... so I was like... what the hell. In my mind that confirmed my suspicions. But I didn't say anything. I couldn't tell him I looked through his phone!

So I waited.

A few nights later, I thought Jordan had gone to bed and so I got up and started looking through his phone again. I had just unlocked it and opened a browser to see what he had been looking at... before it loaded, I heard rustling and he was getting out of bed!! He was coming down the stairs!!! And there I was, standing with his phone in my hand... so I quickly flipped it upside down, hoping he wouldn't notice the lights was still on. I tried to distract him... and he knew something was up, obviously. He looked over at where his phone was and looked at me with the worst look he's ever given me. I felt so horrible. So awful. He was like... time for bed, Katherine. And I was like yeah... and I was crying.

And we talked... well... I tried to explain why I did what I did and he told me how silly I was for even thinking that stuff. And that if I ever invaded his privacy again, he'd leave. Just leave. And I was like, that seems extremely fair.

So we're over that and agreed we'd never talk about it again. But here it is, just so I can remember to never betray his trust ever, ever again.

You know what though? Last year, before he stopped talking to a girl he'd known for years... let me start again.

Last year.. no, the year before last, the police phoned me one day at work. And were like... did jordan go to work today? And I was like... yeah... I think so.

"Oh, well, his truck is in front of the house."
"What? Oh... well, maybe he got a ride. Yeah, he must have gotten a ride."
"Oh... ok. Would you mind coming home so we can have a look inside and just make sure he's not in there... we received a call from a friend of his named Kaity in Toronto saying she was worried about him."
"OMG! Are you serious? What the hell is going on?"
"Please, just come by and we'll just make sure everything is ok."
"OK, I'm on my way."

So I got there... the cops were waiting for me... I let them in... they were like, do you want to check upstairs or do you want us to? I was like, you, please. So they did, he wasn't there. He was at work. And I was like... OK, why don't I know what my boyfriend is thinking of? Why doesn't he talk to me? All those questions and so many more... and my hatred for that girl just crept up and up and up. It was already high... but anyway...

So he got home and I was like... so Kaity phoned the cops and they made me leave work because she thought you killed yourself. And he was like, that fucking bitch. I'm never speaking to her again!

Anyway, I told him we needed to talk more and if he was feeling horrible about us, that he needed to talk to me about it, not her. So that I could change whatever it was that was making him upset... or whatever.

Anyway, fast forward like 5 months. We're at the Calgary airport, coming back from Toronto... to go back home to Saskatoon. I look over his phone and he's messaging her!!!!!!! I felt so fucking betrayed. SO betrayed. I had a fucking fit. And he was like, what? I don't need to tell you who I'm talking to. And I'm like, you need to not fucking lie to me. And he was like well, I'm talking to her and you need to deal with that. And I was like grrrr....

So I had that feeling for a long time, that he was always lying to me and stuff. But I know he's not talking to her anymore (after the billionth time she bitched at him about her boyfriend... he was so sick of that, cuz like, she wouldn't just dump him but whatever) and he's never on his phone anymore. He used to be on that thing 24/7. It drove me crazy.

I've lost my train of thought.

But... we're really, really good now. And when I moved to Ottawa and Jordan went back to Saskatoon until we reunited a month later, he gave me an antique pearl necklace. It was beautiful. Actually, I had found it before we left... like 3 weeks before. And I couldn't keep it in cuz he was still talking to whatsherface then and I blurted out one day... "Who's the necklace for?!" And he was like you. Of course. And I - again - felt totally horrible. Why do I constantly do that to myself? Like, I feel I don't deserve such happiness that I imagine things going on that aren't going on.

But whatever, right now, at the moment, I'm in a super good place. PGI contacted me and were like... so are you ready to work, cause apparently we have an opening. And I was like heck yes! So I'm moving back very shortly :D

Super happy.

In conclusion, I love Jordan, and I need to love myself just as much. :P I guess...? I don't even remember what I wrote in this post... this was like... confessions of an idiot. Volume 1. :P

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hi Jaimie!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, a visitor!

Haha... sigh :P

OK, so... I'm unemployed. Expecting Jordan to pay for everything as of late... well, it's been like this since... mmm.. October I suppose. But yeah... so I'm applying places, but nobody out here wants to hire me :( - but I don't really want to work anyway. Don't tell Jordan that! Oh, I'm so awful. :P

Um... what else? Well.. yeah, we're moving back to Saskatchewan, I'm going to go to school there for this drafting/modeling thing... and then we'll be back in our house (because it didn't sell last summer, which I guess was a blessing in disguise - though that city really gets on my nerves sometimes). Ooo, so much pressure writing for an audience... of one. lol.

Oh man, the other day I was looking for stuff to put in my portfolio, and I found this weirdass picture of some random guy from years ago... NO IDEA who he is. And there were two pics of him that I burned onto this cd... I must have had a crush on him or something. I know it wasn't creepy stalker Colin, and it certainly wasn't Kevin... or Jordan for that matter... but I can't for the life of me figure out who it is! And it's super creepy!

Ah, the things we used to do, eh?

Man... When I'm bored I tend to look back at old emails I've saved.. and I read them and I'm like.. you gotta be kidding me. I am so stupid. How did anyone even continue talking to me? lol. Why? But oh well...

I'm on WeightWatchers now... a week and a half. Lost 5 pounds though! So I hope that continues. It's cause I'm not constantly stuffing my face anymore... I miss cookies. And chips. Sigh...

But can't dwell on that, I've got a hot body to look forward to! hahahaha... Hmmm.... what else, what else?

I don't know. Oh right. The kitten keeps going into heat and pissing on my blanket. That's really annoying. I washed it this morning, layed it out to dry, and she peed on it again. So it's hanging up to dry - again - after washing it - again. Just don't have the money at the moment to get her spayed. She must be spayed. I don't get why people don't spay and neuter their cats... I mean... if you can wait long enough it's really cheap. Anyway, I'm blabbing.

Get to work on your blog, Jaimie! Hehehehe. I can't wait to hear about all your adventures again!
Blog tracker
eXTReMe Tracker