Dougie Maclean - Down Too Deep

Another day almost gone
it won't be long till you are out of here
and you will soon be home
just thank God it's Friday night
you know a little bar where you
can disappear quite out of sight

You don't laugh like you should
and you don't smile like you should
cause life has torn the ground from underneath your feet
and I can't reach you, you're down too deep

Your wife she sees there's no chance
to rediscover all those happy days
of love and true romance
and it's the same for all her friends
and it's the children now that matter
and you've got to meet the ends

CHORUS

So you will watch the children grow
and you will justify the sacrifice
but you'll never let it show
and it's the heavy end of fate
you know that dreams are made of dreams
you just realize too late

CHORUS




Yeah. I keep replaying this song on my record player because it's way too pretty. And it makes me feel okay. Sad, but okay. I almost feel like he's singing to me... not to be all... oMG! This song is about me! ... it's more like... I'm not alone?... except the whole part about the wife thing... yeah. But it's still awesome and mellow-ish and calming and sad. Whee. It's good.

For some reason, today, Brin (who sits beside me in class) felt the need to tell me this: "Hey. Wanna know a fun fact? I wanna bone the maintenance boy." I laughed. Because who doesn't? He is quite attractive. Haha. Yeah.

Glad I have friends... :P

So I wasn't alone on Friday. Wes and Jessica hung out with me.

Mandy phoned, so we all talked to her. So I asked her to phone again today, so I could... really talk, you know?

On Friday at school, I was just working and then all of a sudden started thinking about my funeral and who would come. It was really disturbing and I didn't like it at all.

But on Thursday night, I had so much trouble getting to sleep. I couldn't stop crying... I'd go into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I had to stop because I HAD to go to sleep. I had a test the next day. I actually studied. I was impressed with myself. Heh. But yeah. So finally it... sorta stopped and I eventually fell asleep after realizing life is just fucked up. And her being gone is so not cool.

Didn't get my tattoo this weekend. I don't know if I'm going to. I don't know. It hasn't really been on my mind lately... so maybe I don't really want it? We'll see. I think I just like writing on myself with pen instead. I write on my hand constantly at school, because I forget things very easily.

My mind is going.

Today has been designated as laundry day and homework day. Ugh.

I hope Mandy didn't pay too much for Thumbelina... which she gave to me for xmas. Because I saw it at fucking Futureshop for 9 bucks. I hate that store so much. I was pissed. They always get things after I, or someone else, goes to extensive lengths and great searches for that item. They suck. I didn't really go there of my own free will... Wes wanted to go yesterday, so I was like... okay... and then we got onion rings at A&W. Mmm. Yeah. Whatever.

I think I'm doing okay... but... it'll come. The dark cloud of misery will eventually return. And, oh look... here it is.

I kept thinking that if I had just paid more attention to like... the signs... like her telling me she loved me in the middle of a conversation on msn... I could have... made her talk to me, you know? Like... and what if she wanted to die that night? What if she actually told that kid he could pass because she didn't care if she lived or died. That's what I'm scared of. That she actually wanted this. That she wanted me to be this... screwed up. Although she probably wasn't thinking of me at the time. But like... I don't know. That seems very selfish.

People who kill themselves, I don't think, realize how... selfish it is. When my cousin killed himself, I was too young to really get it, but his sister... has had serious manic depression since. It's very sad. And yeah. I dunno.

I'm not moving on, but I think I like it that way. I never want to forget these feelings, because they're basically defining me. Her death has changed me. Obviously. Probably not for the better. But oh well. It doesn't seem like it's been a year. But at the same time it does. Ugh. Thank God February is almost over. It's such a stupid month.

Very Sad.

I can't be alone next Friday. I can't. Wes said he might not hang out with me... cuz his boyfriend's coming back tomorrow... and next Friday is obviously... a Friday.
I can't be alone because I'm afraid I will try to hurt myself. I think my mom will be here though. She doesn't really talk to me though.

I woke up this morning, and I was so sad. I immediately headed for my Gordon Lightfoot cd. I don't know I was so sad... I just was. Am. Still. And now I'm drinking to numb the pain. And I'm getting a headache, cuz I took off my glasses cuz I was crying.

I decided to put my glasses back on. Heh.

So yeah. I think I've developped a crush on Christina Ricci. Haha. I watched Casper yesterday, and I LOVE that movie so so much. Sigh. And then last night I requested to watch Sleepy Hollow with mah friends. And we did. She looks very very different with bonde hair. Yes. And I rented Pumpkin earlier this evening and plan to watch it as soon as I get off the computer. It has her in it, and the guy from Popular, Emory Dick (in the show). Yeah. Just wanted to see it again. And it was free cuz VHQ is crazy. BASTARDS. Yeah. I'm done. I need a hug.

Oops?

So I told mom Chris and I might be getting tattoos next weekend. WHAT? You don't want one of those! Uh... yes I do. NO. Yes, I need it. *silence* Didn't I tell you about Linda's story when Kelly got her HP tattoo on her arm? Mom, first of all, I would never get a HP tattoo. WHAT if you get a job one day, and everyone will see it? No one will see it... I want it on my foot. I wear socks. (ah socks! Rock on! Haha... sigh) Well what if you get a job one day and you have to wear pantyhose? Never gonna happen.

She doesn't really get it. She just doesn't like them cuz she doesn't like needles. She tried to talk me out of it by telling me it really hurts... well of course it does! It's a needle! Geez...

So yeah. I still want it. But maybe it will have to wait til I move out?... haha. Bah.

So... job interview didn't go too well. Haha. I suck at life. :P Oh well. I've got friends, and that's all that matters. Well... one friend at least... well no more than that. Sigh.

Wes and I have begun watching the Batman movies... in order. They rock. So hard. Woo.

Then we played piano. We're gonna get back to good. Heh. Although he's pretty good... I don't think he ever lost it. I sure did though. Sigh. I just... totally gave up at piano. And that makes me semi-sad.

Ugh. Mandy's talking to me. She makes me so nervous sometimes. Like, I'm mad... but I can't... divulge that information to her or something. She... ugh I'm like shaking. What the hell. Shaking with rage? Perhaps. Haha.

Whatever. I so don't care. DON'T CARE. Ahhhh. Sigh. I can't believe her sometimes... but oh well. She's leaving and I won't have to deal with this crap anymore.

I discovered Wes' dad died the same day as Shawna... but like 10 years ago. Aw. I knew that was a bad day. Well... I'm gonna go play hold 'em on the tv. Heh. Gotta love Max. :P Still shaking. Bye!

So... job interview didn't go too well. Haha. I suck at life. :P Oh well. I've got friends, and that's all that matters. Well... one friend at least... well no more than that. Sigh.

Wes and I have begun watching the Batman movies... in order. They rock. So hard. Woo.

Then we played piano. We're gonna get back to good. Heh. Although he's pretty good... I don't think he ever lost it. I sure did though. Sigh. I just... totally gave up at piano. And that makes me semi-sad.

Ugh. Mandy's talking to me. She makes me so nervous sometimes. Like, I'm mad... but I can't... divulge that information to her or something. She... ugh I'm like shaking. What the hell. Shaking with rage? Perhaps. Haha.

Whatever. I so don't care. DON'T CARE. Ahhhh. Sigh. I can't believe her sometimes... but oh well. She's leaving and I won't have to deal with this crap anymore.

I discovered Wes' dad died the same day as Shawna... but like 10 years ago. Aw. I knew that was a bad day. Well... I'm gonna go play hold 'em on the tv. Heh. Gotta love Max. :P Still shaking. Bye!

job?

So I figured out why I was so depressed. It was because I was jobless. Heh. Well... am jobless. :P

But maybe not for long??!!!! Haha. It's a good thing I came home sick today... or I woulda missed the call that the video store gave me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Thursday at 6. I'm so fucking stoked. Except it's not at the one by my house... it's the one way by Mandy's house. Heh. So... yeah. OH WELL. VIDEO STORE! AHH!

Haha. So yeah. I'm pretty excited I guess you could say. It's been a while since I've had an interview... well let's face it... I only ever had one. And I got the job. Damn Burger King. :P

That was a horrible day too... I remember that. Well it wasn't a good experience. So yeah. That's what I meant. Heh.

So now, I'm yeah. Still really coughy and sick, but whatever. Katy has a job interview! She might not go broke! Yaydom! Heh.

Can't get hopes up though. Sigh.

Why is it when I walk on a bridge... I want to jump in the water?

I just had a really scary thought... like if I walk home tomorrow... I very well might just jump in... but it would be very cold. And I would likely die. Now. The question is... do I want to die by drowning? Like Ophelia? CRAZY OPHELIA? Hmm... what does this post say about me? That I'm unwell. Yes. I believe it does. Hm. You know what? I should just take my own advice and grow the fuck up, and get used to life. Because it's gonna be around for as long as it's gonna be around. And that may suck... but whatever. I should just go clean my room. I'm thinking I want to clear off that bulletin board with all those pictures on it... I wanna put a poster on there.

So yeah. Fuck life in all its glory!

I ... don't know. I hate February. I hate it so much. SIGH. :P cries a little more... or... i guess a lot. And my head is starting to hurt.


As I was talking to Mandy I threw in a few subtle things... like... cuz Jon was going over and I hate him, so I was being sarcasticish... Have a great FUCKING time! Woo! Fuck yeah!

So fuck that.

I'm sick. Woke up and felt like shit.

I bought absinthe. It burns. Yeah, did I mention this already?

So. In conclusion... I want to fucking blast up my Imogen Heap and just lie down and die. :P Cya!