Rawr.

I am the biggest spaz ever. Seriously. Most likely insecurities I guess. I can't believe that I have any friends. I don't know why they like me. No one ever tells me the things I'm good at, sometimes you just need to hear it you know? It's like I'm just there... because you're bored and don't want to be alone... and I'm usually an afterthought. With some people. Other people it's just... I dunno... guilt? But why?... I'm not lonely, just for the record. I like being alone. That's it. I like it. I'm not sad... the only way I become sad is when someone says like... "I'm in love..." or some shit like that. No, you're not. Love isn't real. Mutual love isn't real anyway... :P There always seems to be something in the way... or something/one better. It all dies in the end. Haha. Who's trying to be emo? Me. That's right.

I think I have good potential in the industry I've chosen. I just need... practice. I dunno. Fred was talking today, and he was like... we all just need inspiration. That is so fucking true. I hate how true it is almost. I dunno. I really just want to like... go back in time about a year... but have it be now... so... I dunno. So I wouldn't be in high school, but my sister would still be alive?... I dunno. I feel so bad like all the time, cuz I always called her dumb and stuff... I knew she wasn't, she knew she wasn't... it was in a loving way you know? Ugh. I don't want to get any help for dealing with this. I deal with things on my own. That's the way it's always been, it's the way it always will be. I don't care if I go insane. It'll be fun. I keep saying that about everything, but I know it's not true. Everything is going to change. Everything has already changed. But it'll change more, and probably not for the better... for me anyway.

I'm going to take the month of February off from work. See if I can survive without the job. I hope I can, cuz I really... just don't like it there. There's no point in staying there anymore anyway. Duane quit/got fired. He was my reason. :P Seriously. I was basically in love with that boy. Sigh. He was beautiful. Yeah. And funny. And awesome. Sigh.

I hate Dave sometimes. He just... doesn't get it. He thinks I don't get it, but really, I just don't care. I don't care about who he's in love with now... god. Whatever. Maybe I'm jealous. Whatever. I've spent too much time with him this week. That's what it is. I can't... spend time with people. People suck. Mother says I should just ignore how much they suck, but I can't. :P Bye.

First post... heuh. *thinking sound*

So, I dunno. This is weird font. What's goin' on? My mom said penis. I laughed really really hard. Cuz we were looking at this inflatable snowman thing for your lawn, and they were in a big 'globe' of sorts... sposed to look like a snowglobe. Anyway, they had things coming out from between their legs into like... the front of the thing inside the globe thing... I dunno. They looked like penises. Yeah. My mom is funny. And has a dirty mind. :P Oh well.

I phoned Val this evening. She seems to be doing all right I guess. As much as you can be on the 9 month mark. Hmm. Geez.

I bought so much crap today, probably because I was sad. Spending money is fun. Anyway, I bought these crayons... they're so smooth to write with, it's insane. And I bought markers that will never dry out! Cuz they're liquid. So they'll probably evaporate or something. And I bought movies... one for my mom. for xmas.

I'm going to find that picture I started drawing of me and Shawna. We were like 7 or something. It's cute. It's from a picture... I kinda suck at drawing, but I guess it's my own crappy style. Meh. I kinda liked it.. but gave up. Val's way too mellow for her own good, it seems. Like... patient. I dunno. I am so not that patient. Sometimes wish I were. Oh well. So yeah. Um... I'm done. Bye.