Live for yourself, you're more than worth it

I read that in the bathroom stall at the bar this evening.

I've been so bitchy lately, it's tearing Jordan and I apart. It's really sad. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to set up an appointment to up my dose. I think school and work and no money is taking its toll on me. I hate having to depend on Jordan all the time. I like having my own money. I don't want an atm machine, I want a boyfriend. But he acts like an atm a lot of the time... which any other girl would love! And I used to... but I'm so sick of it.

We're this close to breaking up. I don't want to break up. I'm sort of treating him like I used to treat Shawna. Like, I loved her so much, I was mean to her, I held her higher than everyone else... I need to back off on the love and throw in some more respect, I suppose. I'm going to try that.

Life is so fucking hard. This is the 3rd time I'm crying in 2 hours. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It sucks.

And the house is a fucking sty, but I'm not home at all this week... and when I am, I'm supposed to be doing homework. Which I did do some of tonight, good for me. But still. It's disgusting. The way we're living right now is fucking disgusting. No fucking communication because I don't know how to say "I hate you right now." Ooo, that Kelis song just popped into my head. I hate you so much right now. Except I'm the jerk.

Yeah, need to talk to doc, having bad thoughts again. I think it's this fucking city. When we were in Ontario, our relationship was awesome. Now that we're back, so is my attitude and feeling of entitlement. Terrible.

Gotta work on this. Can't deal - to quote Kelis. :P

The title of this entry is my new mantra. I am more than worth it. If I feel like shit, go for a run. I think I'ma start running... I think the depression is getting worse because I'm not exercising anymore... So yeah. Go for a run. Or bike ride. I wanna run though. Even though I'm a really awkward runner in my advanced age now. If that makes sense. lol. I feel better now.

forgot to take my pill...

So I forgot to take my pill today... and now I'm completely just overreacting to Jordan wanting to stay out and talk with his friends. At the bar. I was like, let's fucking go, I didn't get my food and I'm fucking hungry. And he's like well i can get a ride home with morgan...

But then I went and sped a while and realized, fuck, I need to take my pills every day, not just when I feel like it :P... cuz... yeah. Wasn't feeling very good. And now I've had two mama burgers (delicious) and feel like a fucking pig.

I don't really know what's going on with us right now... I guess we'll see what happens this weekend in Toronto...

This may be the lack of drugs talking, but sometimes I miss single life. Not that it was that great, but I feel kind of chained down. And that we're stuck in such a fucking hole. It totally sucks. Also, Jordan didn't tell me he was dropping off Gizmo at the babysitter's tonight.. I would have stopped by before I went to work. I love that dog.

You know what? I love Lady Gaga. Love.

Yeah, my friend Amy is making me jealous with her numerous dates and etcetera. I wish I had dated as a teenager. :P I don't know... just venting.

Like, I was obligated to go out tonight, because I've started a company doing contract work for Jordan's work... and he kind of hired an employee for me... like, I didn't object, cuz he physically can't work anymore... so... like... that's fine. But I don't know what the hell to say. And all you guys are talking about is shit I don't care about. I want to go home and pack. And he was just all blah blah blah blah. Gawd, like... I'm glad you found a new friend, but you could have just done this for me. Well, not really since I'm the boss, but Jordan did do all the talking.

Anyway... I just want to go to bed.

Oh yeah, another thing I'm annoyed about is that I haven't had any classes this week because the teachers are on strike... and it's so annoying that the union and the school keep blaming each other. I'm all for unions. Nothing against them. Think they're asking a little much with the new terms, but they need a better deal than 5.5% over three years. That's fucking stupid.

Sweary-pants tonight. Sorry Jaimie! lol. I promise I'll be in a better mood the next time I update, I just needed to vent. :)