I'm sick... and it's more than just a cold.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Told her I thought I was depressed. She asked me why I thought that, how I was feeling and then gave me 'the test'. Turns out I'm pretty sick. Moderately to severely depressed, actually. She gave me pills and I'm going to see a counsellor. I feel good about it all, that I finally got the help I needed for so long and that I'm on the 'road to recovery and good health'. It's just so weird. I honestly didn't think I was that bad. Apparently, thoughts of suicide are not normal. Not that I thought about it often. I mean... I did... a lot. I didn't today. Today was my first pill day. I felt sick this morning at work... knew I would. She and the pharmacist both told me it might affect my stomach. I also did have a dry mouth. Ah, who would have ever thought I'd be on anti-depressants? Well... one anti-depressant. I have to go back and see my doctor once a week for at least a month to see how I'm doing on the meds. I just read what I wrote and didn't remember writing that I thought about killing myself 'a lot'. How odd. There's a lot of things I don't remember. That have to do with my mind. This is just weird. I haven't told my dad. My mom knows, she went with me to the doctor. I phoned her on Monday night and told her I was suicidal, after confiding in Jordan. I finally told him what was actually going through my head and he said, that's it, you're going to the doctor or I'm telling your mom. So I just told my mom. And she set up the appointment for me. And followed me home from the doctor yesterday. She's really worried about me, I think. That's sort of why I don't want to tell my dad... I don't really want him checking up on me more than he does... which is really not that often. But yeah. He does have a right to know, I guess. I mean... I don't want him to worry though. Doc said it's mostly genetic... and... I'm pretty sure it's from his side of the family. I mean... my cousin committed suicide, his sister (other cousin) just died last year from depression-related causes (anorexia)... and my little cousin cuts herself (but she's a teenager... is it a phase?) That's what I thought mine was. 'A phase'. I thought... I'm 22 and I'm still going through those teenage phases... how stupid can you be? :P

But it'll be good. I'll be on them for... I'm pretty sure a while. And will later have to be weaned off them very slowly because apparently - Jordan looked this up - when you go off it, you can get brain shocks. WHAT? I was not told about that and am now worried. But... I know my doctor's just trying to make me healthy and I trust her. I haven't told any of my friends... I was thinking about telling mandy... but I'm not sure. Jordan says she might not be the best person to tell... that she might start giving me bad advice or something. But from now on, the only person I'm going to listen to is my doctor... and my counsellor when I start seeing them.

I'll probably phone my stepmom this weekend or something and tell her. Tell her I'm finally seeing someone and that she doesn't have to worry anymore... not that I think she was worrying, but... I'm pretty sure Shawna is at least part of the reason I got so low. But whatever. Everything just piled up for so long... and... I was just never happy anymore. At all. I hated doing anything. But yeah. So. Celexa. We'll see how it treats me.

And... don't feel bad or anything. I finally got the help I needed and I will be fine. I don't know when, but I will be better. Thank God! :P Haha.