Glad I have friends... :P
So I wasn't alone on Friday. Wes and Jessica hung out with me.
Mandy phoned, so we all talked to her. So I asked her to phone again today, so I could... really talk, you know?
On Friday at school, I was just working and then all of a sudden started thinking about my funeral and who would come. It was really disturbing and I didn't like it at all.
But on Thursday night, I had so much trouble getting to sleep. I couldn't stop crying... I'd go into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I had to stop because I HAD to go to sleep. I had a test the next day. I actually studied. I was impressed with myself. Heh. But yeah. So finally it... sorta stopped and I eventually fell asleep after realizing life is just fucked up. And her being gone is so not cool.
Didn't get my tattoo this weekend. I don't know if I'm going to. I don't know. It hasn't really been on my mind lately... so maybe I don't really want it? We'll see. I think I just like writing on myself with pen instead. I write on my hand constantly at school, because I forget things very easily.
My mind is going.
Today has been designated as laundry day and homework day. Ugh.
I hope Mandy didn't pay too much for Thumbelina... which she gave to me for xmas. Because I saw it at fucking Futureshop for 9 bucks. I hate that store so much. I was pissed. They always get things after I, or someone else, goes to extensive lengths and great searches for that item. They suck. I didn't really go there of my own free will... Wes wanted to go yesterday, so I was like... okay... and then we got onion rings at A&W. Mmm. Yeah. Whatever.
I think I'm doing okay... but... it'll come. The dark cloud of misery will eventually return. And, oh look... here it is.
I kept thinking that if I had just paid more attention to like... the signs... like her telling me she loved me in the middle of a conversation on msn... I could have... made her talk to me, you know? Like... and what if she wanted to die that night? What if she actually told that kid he could pass because she didn't care if she lived or died. That's what I'm scared of. That she actually wanted this. That she wanted me to be this... screwed up. Although she probably wasn't thinking of me at the time. But like... I don't know. That seems very selfish.
People who kill themselves, I don't think, realize how... selfish it is. When my cousin killed himself, I was too young to really get it, but his sister... has had serious manic depression since. It's very sad. And yeah. I dunno.
I'm not moving on, but I think I like it that way. I never want to forget these feelings, because they're basically defining me. Her death has changed me. Obviously. Probably not for the better. But oh well. It doesn't seem like it's been a year. But at the same time it does. Ugh. Thank God February is almost over. It's such a stupid month.
Mandy phoned, so we all talked to her. So I asked her to phone again today, so I could... really talk, you know?
On Friday at school, I was just working and then all of a sudden started thinking about my funeral and who would come. It was really disturbing and I didn't like it at all.
But on Thursday night, I had so much trouble getting to sleep. I couldn't stop crying... I'd go into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I had to stop because I HAD to go to sleep. I had a test the next day. I actually studied. I was impressed with myself. Heh. But yeah. So finally it... sorta stopped and I eventually fell asleep after realizing life is just fucked up. And her being gone is so not cool.
Didn't get my tattoo this weekend. I don't know if I'm going to. I don't know. It hasn't really been on my mind lately... so maybe I don't really want it? We'll see. I think I just like writing on myself with pen instead. I write on my hand constantly at school, because I forget things very easily.
My mind is going.
Today has been designated as laundry day and homework day. Ugh.
I hope Mandy didn't pay too much for Thumbelina... which she gave to me for xmas. Because I saw it at fucking Futureshop for 9 bucks. I hate that store so much. I was pissed. They always get things after I, or someone else, goes to extensive lengths and great searches for that item. They suck. I didn't really go there of my own free will... Wes wanted to go yesterday, so I was like... okay... and then we got onion rings at A&W. Mmm. Yeah. Whatever.
I think I'm doing okay... but... it'll come. The dark cloud of misery will eventually return. And, oh look... here it is.
I kept thinking that if I had just paid more attention to like... the signs... like her telling me she loved me in the middle of a conversation on msn... I could have... made her talk to me, you know? Like... and what if she wanted to die that night? What if she actually told that kid he could pass because she didn't care if she lived or died. That's what I'm scared of. That she actually wanted this. That she wanted me to be this... screwed up. Although she probably wasn't thinking of me at the time. But like... I don't know. That seems very selfish.
People who kill themselves, I don't think, realize how... selfish it is. When my cousin killed himself, I was too young to really get it, but his sister... has had serious manic depression since. It's very sad. And yeah. I dunno.
I'm not moving on, but I think I like it that way. I never want to forget these feelings, because they're basically defining me. Her death has changed me. Obviously. Probably not for the better. But oh well. It doesn't seem like it's been a year. But at the same time it does. Ugh. Thank God February is almost over. It's such a stupid month.
posted by Katy at 10:38 AM
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