Rawr.

I am the biggest spaz ever. Seriously. Most likely insecurities I guess. I can't believe that I have any friends. I don't know why they like me. No one ever tells me the things I'm good at, sometimes you just need to hear it you know? It's like I'm just there... because you're bored and don't want to be alone... and I'm usually an afterthought. With some people. Other people it's just... I dunno... guilt? But why?... I'm not lonely, just for the record. I like being alone. That's it. I like it. I'm not sad... the only way I become sad is when someone says like... "I'm in love..." or some shit like that. No, you're not. Love isn't real. Mutual love isn't real anyway... :P There always seems to be something in the way... or something/one better. It all dies in the end. Haha. Who's trying to be emo? Me. That's right.

I think I have good potential in the industry I've chosen. I just need... practice. I dunno. Fred was talking today, and he was like... we all just need inspiration. That is so fucking true. I hate how true it is almost. I dunno. I really just want to like... go back in time about a year... but have it be now... so... I dunno. So I wouldn't be in high school, but my sister would still be alive?... I dunno. I feel so bad like all the time, cuz I always called her dumb and stuff... I knew she wasn't, she knew she wasn't... it was in a loving way you know? Ugh. I don't want to get any help for dealing with this. I deal with things on my own. That's the way it's always been, it's the way it always will be. I don't care if I go insane. It'll be fun. I keep saying that about everything, but I know it's not true. Everything is going to change. Everything has already changed. But it'll change more, and probably not for the better... for me anyway.

I'm going to take the month of February off from work. See if I can survive without the job. I hope I can, cuz I really... just don't like it there. There's no point in staying there anymore anyway. Duane quit/got fired. He was my reason. :P Seriously. I was basically in love with that boy. Sigh. He was beautiful. Yeah. And funny. And awesome. Sigh.

I hate Dave sometimes. He just... doesn't get it. He thinks I don't get it, but really, I just don't care. I don't care about who he's in love with now... god. Whatever. Maybe I'm jealous. Whatever. I've spent too much time with him this week. That's what it is. I can't... spend time with people. People suck. Mother says I should just ignore how much they suck, but I can't. :P Bye.