Now I'm just being creepy

Ok. So I made a really good friend back in Ottawa last year, and I always thought that he was kind of attracted to me... but obviously wouldn't do anything about it, cuz I'm with Jordan. But anyway, I looked at his facebook profile and he's tagged in a picture on his girlfriend's wall. (He got a girlfriend back in the summer... after I left... :P) But she kind of looks like me! Glasses, check. Chubby, check. Cute, check. lol. :P I think he's replacing me. Haha. I know it sounds stupid and self-centered, but I think I may have changed his opinion about chubby girls. I always thought if I was thinner, he would have hit on me or something. lol. But yay! I'm really happy for him and I hope we stay friends for a really long time. He's awesome. But yeah, I thought it was funny that I was like, omg, he replaced me!!! With a cuter version! lol. :P

On another note, I want to go see a medium. I haven't told anyone this, because they'll call me crazy. Part of me knows that they're not real, they're just lying, but the other part of me really wants to believe - really wants to hear someone say that my sister misses me and loves me and is proud of me. And that she's sorry she never told me what was going on with her. I'm going to see a counsellor soon... so I might tell them this, but I doubt it. We'll probably just talk about Shawna and how sad I am. I asked my doctor to up my dose though, which is helping so much! Really happy with how well it's working now. But yeah, my mom told me the other day that she's worried about me. Which is so nice to hear, because she never tells me that kind of thing. I know she loves me, but... she's also kind of distant. Sort of. I don't know.

I phoned my ex-stepmom a couple weeks ago. It was a really good talk, except she told me Shawna used to do drugs. I have never done drugs in my life. I thought she was with me on that. But apparently I was wrong. Like, whatever, I guess, but she was such a big part of the no smoking movement in her school, and no drinking... but she did drugs? Like, how does that make sense? Whatever, I guess. It's stupid to worry about now, but it just makes me feel like I didn't know anything about her. Which is why I want to hear someone say that she did love me and is kind of watching over me or something. I had a dream about her the other night though, which was really nice. Except she was ignoring me in the dream, and I was like, don't you realize we don't have much time to spend together! I don't care if you bring your friend, but please, spend time with me! Or something like that... it was frustrating. She used to frustrate me a lot. lol. I miss her.

Would also like to hear from my cousins and my grandparents and like... I wanna hear from everyone. I don't know. It's that show Long Island Medium that's put this in my head. I used to watch like John Edwards or whatever... and was like, I need to go there! And then I got over it. But now TLC brought it up again. Booo... so yeah. It might be a Christmas present to myself. Who knows? Haven't decided yet. :P It's not even really that expensive... at least the one I looked up. :P

I am such a whiny little girl, hey? lol. Oh well. You're the one who read it all. :P I'll update again soon, I hope.

Live for yourself, you're more than worth it

I read that in the bathroom stall at the bar this evening.

I've been so bitchy lately, it's tearing Jordan and I apart. It's really sad. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to set up an appointment to up my dose. I think school and work and no money is taking its toll on me. I hate having to depend on Jordan all the time. I like having my own money. I don't want an atm machine, I want a boyfriend. But he acts like an atm a lot of the time... which any other girl would love! And I used to... but I'm so sick of it.

We're this close to breaking up. I don't want to break up. I'm sort of treating him like I used to treat Shawna. Like, I loved her so much, I was mean to her, I held her higher than everyone else... I need to back off on the love and throw in some more respect, I suppose. I'm going to try that.

Life is so fucking hard. This is the 3rd time I'm crying in 2 hours. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It sucks.

And the house is a fucking sty, but I'm not home at all this week... and when I am, I'm supposed to be doing homework. Which I did do some of tonight, good for me. But still. It's disgusting. The way we're living right now is fucking disgusting. No fucking communication because I don't know how to say "I hate you right now." Ooo, that Kelis song just popped into my head. I hate you so much right now. Except I'm the jerk.

Yeah, need to talk to doc, having bad thoughts again. I think it's this fucking city. When we were in Ontario, our relationship was awesome. Now that we're back, so is my attitude and feeling of entitlement. Terrible.

Gotta work on this. Can't deal - to quote Kelis. :P

The title of this entry is my new mantra. I am more than worth it. If I feel like shit, go for a run. I think I'ma start running... I think the depression is getting worse because I'm not exercising anymore... So yeah. Go for a run. Or bike ride. I wanna run though. Even though I'm a really awkward runner in my advanced age now. If that makes sense. lol. I feel better now.

forgot to take my pill...

So I forgot to take my pill today... and now I'm completely just overreacting to Jordan wanting to stay out and talk with his friends. At the bar. I was like, let's fucking go, I didn't get my food and I'm fucking hungry. And he's like well i can get a ride home with morgan...

But then I went and sped a while and realized, fuck, I need to take my pills every day, not just when I feel like it :P... cuz... yeah. Wasn't feeling very good. And now I've had two mama burgers (delicious) and feel like a fucking pig.

I don't really know what's going on with us right now... I guess we'll see what happens this weekend in Toronto...

This may be the lack of drugs talking, but sometimes I miss single life. Not that it was that great, but I feel kind of chained down. And that we're stuck in such a fucking hole. It totally sucks. Also, Jordan didn't tell me he was dropping off Gizmo at the babysitter's tonight.. I would have stopped by before I went to work. I love that dog.

You know what? I love Lady Gaga. Love.

Yeah, my friend Amy is making me jealous with her numerous dates and etcetera. I wish I had dated as a teenager. :P I don't know... just venting.

Like, I was obligated to go out tonight, because I've started a company doing contract work for Jordan's work... and he kind of hired an employee for me... like, I didn't object, cuz he physically can't work anymore... so... like... that's fine. But I don't know what the hell to say. And all you guys are talking about is shit I don't care about. I want to go home and pack. And he was just all blah blah blah blah. Gawd, like... I'm glad you found a new friend, but you could have just done this for me. Well, not really since I'm the boss, but Jordan did do all the talking.

Anyway... I just want to go to bed.

Oh yeah, another thing I'm annoyed about is that I haven't had any classes this week because the teachers are on strike... and it's so annoying that the union and the school keep blaming each other. I'm all for unions. Nothing against them. Think they're asking a little much with the new terms, but they need a better deal than 5.5% over three years. That's fucking stupid.

Sweary-pants tonight. Sorry Jaimie! lol. I promise I'll be in a better mood the next time I update, I just needed to vent. :)

I saw Wicked

Last Sunday, the 20th. OH. MY. GAWD. amazing. Almost beat out Phantom for my favourite... so close. Cats was still really good too... I hated Fame :P

So yes, all I've been listening to when I go on the compy is "Popular" and "Defying Gravity" because those were the only two that downloaded. :P Downloading the rest finally... hmm... what else?...

Oh yeah. Started school on Monday. Going well so far, because we haven't done anything. But I'm excited. There are four girls in the class - including myself - and so I've made friends with two of them... we eat lunch together.. nice, awkward lunch. lol. full of silences. But whatever. I'm sure we'll have more to talk about when we start doing stuff. Yeah. I'd like the other girl to join us, but she doesn't seem terribly interested... I don't wanna be the snotty girl who leaves her out... Maybe tomorrow I'll sit near her. Probably.

La la laaaa la. You'll be popular. Just not quite as popular as MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Such an awesome musical. I want to see it again. :D

Oh, and Jordan and I are going to Las Vegas in a few weeks for a weekend! I'm totally excited, I've never been outside Canada. Should be amazing!!!!!!!!

K, that's it for now. Gotta go to bed soon, I guess. Blah.

update!

Hi Jaimie!! lol. I finally got my computer up and running.... took long enough.

Anyway... Saskatchewan has been wonderful so far. When I moved back at the end of May I was staying with my mom for a while.. until my cats came in the middle of June. Then we stayed at my brother's until I got my house back on July 1st. Parker (the older and fatter cat) was so happy to be back in his house. Luna was still getting used to moving around... poor little thing. We got her spayed in the middle of July, thank goodness. No more cat pee everywhere. Phew.

But yeah... umm... oh, we got a dog a little while ago. His name is Gizmo and he is a pomeranian cross... not sure what he's crossed with :P. We got him from the SPCA... he's 3. I love him.

Jordan and I are doing pretty ok... usually. Except I've kind of found that when I stand up for myself, he just gets mad and wants to like end the conversation there, but I don't let him. And then we get over it. So I guess that's ok.

I start school in a week! Holy crap! I'm gonna rule at it, though. I hope. lol.

I have to talk to Darwin about my schedule at work... he let me come back... I was working full time for a while, but a couple weeks ago he switched me to just afternoons. Which kind of sucked... but I mean... whatever. He should be getting more work and not taking the lack of work out on me. But whatever. :) lol

Sigh, I love being in my house again. I'm glad it didn't sell. :P I do miss Ottawa a lot though... well, not right now, cuz it'd be way too hot for me to survive there... but it's so pretty there. Hopefully I'll be able to live there again one day.

I had my family reunion at the end of July, beginning of August. It was so much fun and soooo wonderful to see my family again! I got really drunk though... you can't have me and my cousin together without beer. lol. :P Anyway, really good time.

Hmmm... what else?

Ummm... uhhh... I'm trying to work out 3 times a week... although this past week I only worked out twice. lol. Mandy and I had bought leisure passes to all the leisure centres in the city... we were swimming for a while, and then she got busy. So I've just been going to the field house and going on the treadmill. I don't seem to be losing any weight though, because I keep eating shit. lol. But I'm staying around the same, which is ok, but not ideal. And when I start school next week(!) I won't have time to really go anymore... I've been going in the mornings because I only work afternoons... I was like I should probably do something useful if I'm not working... :P and I hate cleaning lol.

So... I dunno. Jaimie! You need to update your journal! lol... sorry it took me so long to update. I wanted to so many times, but I hate using other people's computers. Anyway.... if something happens, I'll let you know! haha.

Yours truly,

Katy

Trust...

So... ok. I can't remember when this was, a few months ago, I believe. But it was awful...

I had suspicions for some reason that Jordan was cheating on me. I'm paranoid and I watch way too much Maury. But like, I was at school all day... he stays at home and works... so I didn't know... you know... like I said, I'm paranoid.

So there was one evening where I looked through his phone. He had one of those android phones and had that weird unlock thing... I knew his pattern. So I looked at it. I looked at his texts... there was none in there (he's paranoid, too... but not cuz of me... well back then, not cuz of me :P) and then I looked in his contacts and he had a girl's name in there that I didn't know with an Ottawa area code... so I was like... what the hell. In my mind that confirmed my suspicions. But I didn't say anything. I couldn't tell him I looked through his phone!

So I waited.

A few nights later, I thought Jordan had gone to bed and so I got up and started looking through his phone again. I had just unlocked it and opened a browser to see what he had been looking at... before it loaded, I heard rustling and he was getting out of bed!! He was coming down the stairs!!! And there I was, standing with his phone in my hand... so I quickly flipped it upside down, hoping he wouldn't notice the lights was still on. I tried to distract him... and he knew something was up, obviously. He looked over at where his phone was and looked at me with the worst look he's ever given me. I felt so horrible. So awful. He was like... time for bed, Katherine. And I was like yeah... and I was crying.

And we talked... well... I tried to explain why I did what I did and he told me how silly I was for even thinking that stuff. And that if I ever invaded his privacy again, he'd leave. Just leave. And I was like, that seems extremely fair.

So we're over that and agreed we'd never talk about it again. But here it is, just so I can remember to never betray his trust ever, ever again.

You know what though? Last year, before he stopped talking to a girl he'd known for years... let me start again.

Last year.. no, the year before last, the police phoned me one day at work. And were like... did jordan go to work today? And I was like... yeah... I think so.

"Oh, well, his truck is in front of the house."
"What? Oh... well, maybe he got a ride. Yeah, he must have gotten a ride."
"Oh... ok. Would you mind coming home so we can have a look inside and just make sure he's not in there... we received a call from a friend of his named Kaity in Toronto saying she was worried about him."
"OMG! Are you serious? What the hell is going on?"
"Please, just come by and we'll just make sure everything is ok."
"OK, I'm on my way."

So I got there... the cops were waiting for me... I let them in... they were like, do you want to check upstairs or do you want us to? I was like, you, please. So they did, he wasn't there. He was at work. And I was like... OK, why don't I know what my boyfriend is thinking of? Why doesn't he talk to me? All those questions and so many more... and my hatred for that girl just crept up and up and up. It was already high... but anyway...

So he got home and I was like... so Kaity phoned the cops and they made me leave work because she thought you killed yourself. And he was like, that fucking bitch. I'm never speaking to her again!

Anyway, I told him we needed to talk more and if he was feeling horrible about us, that he needed to talk to me about it, not her. So that I could change whatever it was that was making him upset... or whatever.

Anyway, fast forward like 5 months. We're at the Calgary airport, coming back from Toronto... to go back home to Saskatoon. I look over his phone and he's messaging her!!!!!!! I felt so fucking betrayed. SO betrayed. I had a fucking fit. And he was like, what? I don't need to tell you who I'm talking to. And I'm like, you need to not fucking lie to me. And he was like well, I'm talking to her and you need to deal with that. And I was like grrrr....

So I had that feeling for a long time, that he was always lying to me and stuff. But I know he's not talking to her anymore (after the billionth time she bitched at him about her boyfriend... he was so sick of that, cuz like, she wouldn't just dump him but whatever) and he's never on his phone anymore. He used to be on that thing 24/7. It drove me crazy.

I've lost my train of thought.

But... we're really, really good now. And when I moved to Ottawa and Jordan went back to Saskatoon until we reunited a month later, he gave me an antique pearl necklace. It was beautiful. Actually, I had found it before we left... like 3 weeks before. And I couldn't keep it in cuz he was still talking to whatsherface then and I blurted out one day... "Who's the necklace for?!" And he was like you. Of course. And I - again - felt totally horrible. Why do I constantly do that to myself? Like, I feel I don't deserve such happiness that I imagine things going on that aren't going on.

But whatever, right now, at the moment, I'm in a super good place. PGI contacted me and were like... so are you ready to work, cause apparently we have an opening. And I was like heck yes! So I'm moving back very shortly :D

Super happy.

In conclusion, I love Jordan, and I need to love myself just as much. :P I guess...? I don't even remember what I wrote in this post... this was like... confessions of an idiot. Volume 1. :P

Hi Jaimie!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, a visitor!

Haha... sigh :P

OK, so... I'm unemployed. Expecting Jordan to pay for everything as of late... well, it's been like this since... mmm.. October I suppose. But yeah... so I'm applying places, but nobody out here wants to hire me :( - but I don't really want to work anyway. Don't tell Jordan that! Oh, I'm so awful. :P

Um... what else? Well.. yeah, we're moving back to Saskatchewan, I'm going to go to school there for this drafting/modeling thing... and then we'll be back in our house (because it didn't sell last summer, which I guess was a blessing in disguise - though that city really gets on my nerves sometimes). Ooo, so much pressure writing for an audience... of one. lol.

Oh man, the other day I was looking for stuff to put in my portfolio, and I found this weirdass picture of some random guy from years ago... NO IDEA who he is. And there were two pics of him that I burned onto this cd... I must have had a crush on him or something. I know it wasn't creepy stalker Colin, and it certainly wasn't Kevin... or Jordan for that matter... but I can't for the life of me figure out who it is! And it's super creepy!

Ah, the things we used to do, eh?

Man... When I'm bored I tend to look back at old emails I've saved.. and I read them and I'm like.. you gotta be kidding me. I am so stupid. How did anyone even continue talking to me? lol. Why? But oh well...

I'm on WeightWatchers now... a week and a half. Lost 5 pounds though! So I hope that continues. It's cause I'm not constantly stuffing my face anymore... I miss cookies. And chips. Sigh...

But can't dwell on that, I've got a hot body to look forward to! hahahaha... Hmmm.... what else, what else?

I don't know. Oh right. The kitten keeps going into heat and pissing on my blanket. That's really annoying. I washed it this morning, layed it out to dry, and she peed on it again. So it's hanging up to dry - again - after washing it - again. Just don't have the money at the moment to get her spayed. She must be spayed. I don't get why people don't spay and neuter their cats... I mean... if you can wait long enough it's really cheap. Anyway, I'm blabbing.

Get to work on your blog, Jaimie! Hehehehe. I can't wait to hear about all your adventures again!