I feel a weakness coming on

I'm really depressed right now. Thoughts keep going back to... yeah. I clearly need to go to the doctor again when I get back home. I'm sad to leave Ottawa. I think that's what's going on. I don't want to go back there. I do, but I don't, you know?

Also Jordan isn't here, so there's no one to talk to. He went to Toronto. He'll be back Friday. Which isn't far away. But I have one more final tomorrow, then I HAVE TO FUCKING FINISH my shop project. It's a vise. Kind of complicated and I'm really slow at working on the mill. I don't know why. Maybe cuz it burned the crap out of my hand last semester. But whatever. So hopefully I can finish it.

Then next fall I'll be back in Stoon taking the CAD/CAM course. So hopefully that goes really well.

I wrote my math final today and that did not go so well. I always forget how to do shit when it comes to tests and I can't look it up. I just can't remember. And yesterday's theory final was fucking horrible, but I guess that doesn't matter cuz I won't need that next year. But yeah, I really like this city and I don't want to leave. But we still own that house... a very nice house and I'm sort of excited to be back in MY house... instead of a rental. But I hate that city.

Ugh.

I also am feeling like a huge failure. Like I'm not fucking good enough. Like, I used to think - ok, this is going to come off as really bitchy and... awful, but - I used to think I was better than Jordan's sister. Like, I was planning on going back to school, I had a job, I had a house... life was great. And now with one fell swoop, she's surpassed me by miles, it feels. Like, she takes one year of school to become a paralegal and then she's making 100 thousand a year. What the fuck? She's not done school yet, but like... shit. I feel like such an idiot. Like... I don't know what the fuck to do with my life. Still. Going on 25 and still retarded. It just sucks. And I don't have any money and I just hate everything right now. I just feel stupid and... it sucks.

I still miss Shawna. When I'm by myself, she's all I think about. And how much I miss her.

I mean, his sister even named her cat Catty. How lame is that? It's stupid that it makes me angry, but that's the dumbest name ever. And it sounds like my name. I know it's dumb to think like this, but I can't help it. I can help discussing it with Jordan though. And that's why I'm writing it down. I don't plan on telling him how much that name pisses me off :P Cuz he'll just call me crazy.

I wish I had my own money. I wish I wasn't so dumb and got a job. Actually, I wish I had never moved here and stayed in Stoon for another year. Jordan says he doesn't feel like this was a mistake, but I do. I mean, it's my fault we moved all of our fucking shit out here. But like he said, no one knew the house wouldn't sell. I would be finishing my program here if it weren't for that. I really should just go to bed.

I'm so tired and sick. Oh yeah, this week I set up to have 3 finals, 3 days in a row and then I got sick. Terrific, right? What a horrible week. But I get to see my mom next week which is good. I love her. And my brother. And Casey the dog. He doesn't have much longer... :P But he's soooo cute. And Mandy! And Mandy's dogs! Yay. Ok, I'm happy now. Thanks, blog.